I No Longer Disagree

I used to be ashamed to be me. I thought I was unacceptable—considered “too much” by others. I was afraid to take up space. Afraid to be bold. Afraid to be smart or beautiful. Afraid, in some ways, to fully become myself. But lately, I’ve adopted a new attitude. And my patients helped me get there.

When I began this endeavor—Haven’s Holistic Healing—I didn’t know how it would go. To some degree, I felt what I’ve come to understand is called imposter syndrome. I knew who I wanted to be. I knew how I wanted to treat people, how I wanted to show up, and how I hoped I would be perceived. I knew who I really was. What I didn’t know was whether any of that would translate.

There have been so many “lost in translation” moments throughout my life. I would express myself or share my heart, only to discover that somehow I had significantly offended the person on the receiving end. After enough of those experiences, you begin to question yourself. You learn to measure your words, shrink your presence, and wonder whether being fully yourself is safe.

Starting Haven’s required me to do the opposite. I had to step out in faith. I had to find the courage to finally walk my own path—and dare to allow other people to watch me do it boldly.

In the beginning of my practice, I started receiving good reviews. I remember thinking, “That’s nice. They’re trying to help me.” I couldn’t even just accept that people meant what they were saying. And almost immediately, those good reviews created fear in me, because I knew that with every good thing came the possibility of something bad: bad reviews.

I’ve always been sensitive. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Words can roll around in my head for years while I ponder what I could have done differently to prevent a negative circumstance or keep someone from thinking poorly of me. But time passed, and the good reviews kept coming. Slowly, I started believing in myself a little more.

At first, I thought, “Okay. Maybe now that I have something to offer, I’m finally likable. Maybe now I’m worth accepting.” My footing still felt unsteady as I trekked this new, scary path. What was I doing? Could I really do this? Was I worthy? Was I smart enough? Was I capable of helping people navigate their health, their recovery, their lives?

And while I was busy asking myself all of those questions, more people came. Personal referrals. Kind words. Compliments I never anticipated. Stories about ways I had helped people that I hadn’t even realized mattered. And the good reviews continued.

Eventually, I had an epiphany: I was the only one still disagreeing with them.

At some point, arguing with all of that evidence started to feel foolish. Surely, collectively, all of these people had not made the same mistake. Maybe they weren’t confused. Maybe they actually saw me. Maybe I was worthy. Maybe I was capable. Maybe I was likable. And maybe—this one was the hardest to accept—I was loved.

Slowly, I started believing what they believed about me. I was worthy. I was capable. I was likable. And mostly, I was loved. And then one day, somewhere along the way, I started to love me, too.

So I want to say something to my patients: thank you. Thank you for helping me uncover an uncomfortable truth. The truth is this: I am loved. And I can’t argue with that anymore. More importantly, I no longer have the desire to.

That is a huge paradigm shift for me. When I started Haven’s Holistic Healing, I believed this was part of my destiny because I thought I was being called to help other people heal. I just didn’t realize that somewhere along the way, it would help heal me, too.

I spent so much of my life afraid to take up space. Somehow, walking into the life I knew I was meant for led me somewhere I never expected. It led me back to myself. It led me to self-love.

Finally.